Bummin' around
Jeff is gone to Hanford, and the boys and I are alone. Sometimes it is easier to forget things with Jeff around. However, I have recently felt a need to examine where I am since we lost the baby.My feelings have been much different this time around. Last time, I was hurt to the core, but I was restful - I could feel God with me. Every day, it seemed, He reassured me of His love - His presence seemed almost tangible.
This time, though, I felt betrayed. Maybe I was holding on to the wrong things last time, and just convinced myself they were God. I was so sure that He was going to let the baby live. I had thought about the alternative - about how I had told Him that I could not go through losing another baby - but it always seemed like He was inspiring me to trust in Him, to trust that the baby would live. I read verses (that I can't find now) that said He would be our Victor.
So now I feel bereft. Lost. I want to worship Him, but I can't bring myself to. I'm angry that He didn't see fit to allow the baby to live. Now there is no hope - I'm "fixed" as it were. Okay, that is not the right terminology - it's because I am broken that we lost the babies ... and now I've made it so we can't have anymore. We heard in church on Sunday that we were to worship all the time - Pastor asked if we were afraid to worship. At first I thought that wasn't it at all, but I think now it might be. I am afraid to be vulnerable with God again. All because He didn't meet my expectations.
Honestly, I don't know how women do it. There are women in our church who've lost babies and they continue on. Family & friends who've lost babies have written to console me. I hear about women on TV and friends of friends who've all gone through this. They are really neat, and loving and their families are fine. So I guess I have to be like that. Even though I want to hide myself away and pout until I get my baby back.
Which means I need to turn to God, because I cannot do this on my own. I'm trying - I've been trying, but I feel dry & empty.
Anyways, so today I was listening to music on the computer and I heard a Steven Curtis Chapman song (11-6-64). I went looking for the lyrics of it, because 11-6 is Nicholas' birthday and ran across his website. That made me remember he'd just lost his little girl. She was 6, I think. The pain they feel must be huge. Mr. Chapman said in a video blog that he is "on his way back". They have found comfort in God. How is this? Last time, I felt comforted and loved, but now I think it was because I was thinking, "It's okay, we'll get pregnant later and everything will be okay.". Well I got pregnant later and now we have another loss to mourn!
So in my meanderings on the web I ran across this blog for one of the Chapmans' friends - Kerry Hasenbalg. She also lost a baby recently. She talked about how God revealed Himself to her as she stepped out into the "normal" world again. It was a good read.
Maybe I can trust Him again, I don't know. I guess the healing/growing/returning to "normal" just takes more time sometimes.
Currently listening to- SHEdaisy's "Now" and Alvin & the Chipmunks "Bad Day".
posted by Sonja @ 1:54 PM
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